today i covered my nails with blue nail polish. the color named endless blue. a profond, true and pretty singular shade of dark blue. a blue that is telling stories. stories of beautiful suffering. a blue that is more than a stupid paint for my nails. Endless Blue. what a pretty name too. this shade is truthfully endless, electrifying to the heart and crashing soul.
i first painted my left hand. one nails at the time. like if this blue shade could describe the way i feel everyday. in a endless blue hole. i don't see any lights yet. no escape door. just this long blue hallway where i am walking. where anything but everything affects me. this corridor is a forever that i can't face. maybe there's an exit somewhere, way over there. but for today, it's just blue everywhere. the endless blue. i didn't painted my right hand. i was incapable. just one hand was enough. seeing the vibrant color on one half of me is like realizing that i'm drowning into it. becoming the blue myself. more invisible everyday. i'm staying because i don't wanna go and make you win on me. but, the words that you all said are echo in my head and it's getting harder to stay or to fight back. no music, no smile or words can appease the fire who consumes me, like the endless blue of my nails. this fucking heartbreaking blue. no one knows that. they don't know that this blue is the color of my dying soul. they even don't look at them. they simply don't care. the blue of my nails is just color like the pink of the burgundy that the other girs are wearing. girly colors that don't tell stories. that are useless compared to my endless blue.
my blue nails are a call for somebody to do something. i don't care who. i just need someone. that i will feel safe to talk to. shameless. cause i am not able to take care of my soul alone. i need someone to be the exit door of the endless blue hallway. i want to be the person i once was. i want my soul to be cured and capable to live a little bit longer. at this moment, i am drowning into that blue. and i see nothing to save me. it is not depression. it's sadness. it's hoping for the impossible to happen. it's sitting there and to don't know what to do with that body. it's feel suffocated in my own envelope of skin. something is broken in me. in fact, everything inside me is hurt, pretty bad. not nice to see. and all this pain is contained and resumed in this little glass bottle.
it's called the endless blue nail polish shade.
mïa xx